Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
