____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I will die if light touches me.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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