even my farts smell like vagina
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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