She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
