this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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