i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
