I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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