Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
