Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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