I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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