I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
