I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
