whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
