I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Buhtt sex?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
