I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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