You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's always time for handjobs
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
