oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
