I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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