Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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