If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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