Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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