He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
