So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
