You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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