i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
