Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
