It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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