If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
