Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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