Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize