if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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