So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
