I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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