just tell him i said nine months
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
