got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
