There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
