I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
