Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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