dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
