i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
