Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
