If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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