i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
