Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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