so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
