oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize