Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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