There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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