I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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