her vagine was all disorganized.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
