My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize