i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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