Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize