everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
