Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
