I wish I only lived at night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
this hospital has no fireball
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
