it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize