rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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