Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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